look

look.
i wanna tell you what gnaws at the bottom of my heart.
i'm not good enough.
especially now, that i'm afflicted,
changed,
not the same as i was before.
it's not simply a matter that i can't *be* what i did before,
i can't *do* and that bothers me.
i guess what i did was a large part of who i was--
i know the enightened among us stress that being trumps everything
so this is another lesson i've learned--
i'm not as enlightened as i thought i was--
far from it.
at this stage in life i am pretty lazy.
i'm pretty venal, too.
there's stuff i know i should do for myself
but i could hardly care less,
but i'll do it for you.
is that love or is it vanity?
i'm too close to it right now
to give you an honest answer.