i sat in my boss's office today during a regular one-on-one meeting. he and i understand each other very well; we have the same DiSC personality (Appraiser pattern). our talks can be quite open and frank. my little company cares about people, and it comes from the heart; it comes from people such as my boss.
so we discussed the people and the plans for the next 6 months or so, and he asked how i'm feeling about things, are things going alright? he knows that in the past year or so i've struggled with many balancing acts at work. i nod my head and smile and say, "things are good." which is the truth. he presses me. i hesitate. do i let him know my head is swimming? that i'm thinking of life, the universe, and everything? does it show?
programming takes such focus, to do it well. and to build a major application, there's time away from the keyboard when you need to go over things in your head, while you do the dishes or walk to the grocery store.
but now i'd rather be thinking of other things. things i was thinking of 25 years ago when i started out as an adult, but think of them now with middle aged experience.
for the past year or nearly a year, i've felt more and more strongly that i don't want to program computers or manage computer people in business for another 15 years. i have a good job, i enjoy it, it pays well, it will help me get my kids through university or wherever it is they're bound (i hope).
but it's not my true purpose, my profession, what i profess. i can feel that. what is my true purpose, what do i profess? i don't know. that's what i'd rather be thinking about.
does it show? does my boss need to know? no.
not yet.
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Ahhh Mr Redsaucer - sure there's more and I'm sure it's better but are we free to choose it? It's a question that keeps me up at night. I can envision life paths that would swell me up with contentment and growth and make the world a better place to boot. Not great paying jobs but that's never been a big concern (apart from I'd like to travel and that takes money) of mine. But money is required for my relationship with the Scotsman as it entails keeping this house and housing four children. It's required because I owe money. It's required because University is expensive and I have two brilliant children who are bound to change the world. I have these responsibilities, they are derived directly from my choices, I cannot fail them nor would I wish to. But the schism between what I am doing and what I feel I want/need to do is getting more fraught with existential angst, and more demanding of a real reply.
One day, I'll throw off this social imperative and SHINE.
Soon, maybe even.
you SHINE already, KU, despite social imperatives, or perhaps because of them. we are extraordinary people living ordinary lives. you and the scotsman, matti and the fid, my boss and the crabman - my friends and family - you all are bright lights in my universe, THE universe, pointing me, guiding me. i am content when i remember to take each moment, i am content when i stand in your light. and then i read fast food nation, or see someone throw cigarette butts on the earth, or i walk past rosewood, and i get angry...
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