the first swimming lesson

i am familiar with the anglican and roman catholic churches. this is my first time at a presbyterian service. naturally, the first part of the service i felt different, unsettled: where are the altar and communion rail? where are the pulpit and baptismal font? where is the liturgy? where are the kneelers in the pews? where is the priest in his or her collar and vestments?

my musician's eyes scan the instruments on stage: a KORG keyboard in the centre (where the altar might've been, depending if this were a high church or a low church) (btw: partway through the service i realize that KORG is the palindrome of GROK); a fendor precision bass and traynor amp, an acoustic 6-string, and a pearl drumset (which no one played; the rhythm tracks came from the keyboard, i assume). there are 6 mics on stage.

here is the pastor in an avocado green dress shirt, top button buttoned up but no tie, black dress pants. as he walked past me down the aisle, i notice his belt missed one of the belt loops, something i could easily have done myself had i worn a belt this morning.

i am familiar with alternative services and contemporary christian music, so i wasn't surprised by the uptempo songs of worship; nevertheless, the music didn't reach me, so i stood patiently by while many sang, some clapped, and someone nearby heavily tapped foot on floor.

i sat in pew 51 with kevin to my right and the aisle to my left. the first part of the service was simple enough: a prayer, a few songs and some announcements, a slide show of the children's art from last week. then, if i remember correctly, the kids left for sunday school and the sermon began.

except it wasn't a sermon. it didn't have the quality of a well-prepared, well-rehearsed theological disputation. i'm sure it was well-prepared, but it didn't feel "prepared." there were overheads, but it wasn't a lecture either. it was jim kitson — who's been to my house to bring his son to guitar lessons — modestly, earnestly, conversationally answering one of the most important questions that has bugged me for more than 25 years: is jesus the one?

it took him a while to get around to it. at one point i thought he wasn't going to answer the question afterall. but i suspect that's part of his conversational style not to be didactic; also, as kate pointed out, he perhaps has to be very careful not to offend or shock those in the congregation who firmly believe jesus is the one (as in the one and only); he took pains to start from scripture: the gospels and the letters of paul, and especially the gospel of john with the platonic idea of jesus as "o` logos" — the universal and eternal word. jim remarked on the holy people of the old testament and people of other cultures, and emphasized that god wants to include all people. so, in the broadest sense, yes, jesus as the light, as the word, is the way, for all people, always was, always will be. i can live with that.

but what's the point, of jesus on the cross? what's the point of a personal god? this is the second great question for me, and it is like the first. i believe in a historical jesus, but i don't know about a jesus fully man and fully god, which, as jim said, doesn't make logical sense. at this moment in his talk, i had a small insight.

it was a flash, and now, ten hours later, i'm trying trace all that which that flash illumined. it has something to do with suffering and passion. with jesus as a portal, a connection, a completeness to the universal. the universal is all fine and dandy; the grand scheme of things is a nice perspective, but it's not a complete picture. it's lacking vitality, life. it's all reason with no rhyme; all physics with no feeling; all logic with no art; all sublime with no passion. it's a universe of stardust and gases and dark matter, but no life, nothing human, nothing dolphin, nothing earthworm nor microbial, nothing alien. all things rise and fall and suffer, suffer death, decay. it is the way of the universe. and if the universe could speak...

if the universe could speak. it speaks all time time. every moment of the universe is information (seth lloyd programming the universe).

if the universe could speak. what might it say? i am the universe, i am the way, the tao, the light, this photon of information, this word, this truth, this love, this yearning, this dance. all who believe in me shall be saved.

okay. i'm definitely diving off the deep end now. i guess it's where i've always preferred swimming. don't like to hit my head on the bottom.